an open letter to the hollywood clubbin' boys

Dear Overly-Aggressive Hollywood Clubbing Boys-

This past weekend, my friends and I got together for Girls' Night Out.  After dinner and drinks, we hit up the dance floor; you might have seen us at the club.  I was the one in the little black dress, ridiculous f-me shoes, and possibly enough liquid eyeliner to make me look like a high-end escort.  The DJ was bunk, but that didn't stop me from dancing until my legs were about to collapse.  I had a crazy fun time, but this, however, should not at all be credited to you.  In fact, you sort of did some stupid things...

Do not break "The Circle". 
You know "The Circle"-- aka the steel-tight ring of girls who come to dance together, not with you.  You must not realize this, but we are actually trying to keep you out.  It is not meant to be challenge/invitation to try and squirm your way into the middle and bust out your slickest moves.  In fact, if you noticed the looks we exchanged with one another, it's just embarrassing for us to see you put yourself in this position.

Do not try to divide and conquer.
So now you realize trying to break The Circle alone is a futile attempt.  You and your friends now try the "divide and conquer" approach.  You all swarm in like vultures and try to pick us apart, isolating us.  I do applaud the coordination and effort this must have required, but didn't you see how this worked out (or rather, didn't work out) for you alone?  The pack mentality does not increase your odds of success for whatever you are trying to achieve.

Do not offer to buy me a drink if you are wearing a wedding ring.
I shouldn't even have to say anything about this.  You are beyond repulsive.

Do not assume I want to dance with you.
I have a bad habit of accidentally making awkward eye contact with people.  This is in no way an invitation for you to work your way over and start bumping and grinding against me.  Also, don't be the creepy, lurky guy hovering outside The Circle, until one of us girls bumps into you.  You jump on this as an opportunity, thinking it's your chance.  Really, it was an accident, just poor depth perception on my part.  I would much rather dance with the awkward, uncoordinated guy who actually asked versus than The Self-Invited or The Lurker.

Do not try to slide your hand up my dress.
If we do end up dancing, why are you trying to grope me up during the middle of a song?  I don't understand.  Are you hoping this will lead to dance floor sex?  Really?? I hate to disappoint, but umm... no.  Remember at middle school dances, where the chaperones would make you and your date pretend there was a balloon between to two of y'all when dancing?  Yeah, those rules still apply.

Do not try to get to know me.
Please don't scream in my ear, asking my name or how often I come out to Hollywood.  In fact, we don't really need to talk.  At all.  I can't hear you over the music, so I'm likely just smiling/nodding/laughing, without a clue as to what you're saying.  And honestly, I probably don't care.  I'm not really here to make a new friend, I just came to dance.

I promise I'm not trying to be a bitch-- I'm just looking out for you.  Anyways, I hope that helps.
Maybe I'll see you out in a few weeks?
-shailah